In case you see this, here is why I unfriended you...

I don't often unfriend someone on Facebook. I did last night. This someone, who shall remain nameless, actually posted, in complete earnestness, "does any one have that fb thing that we need to copy and paste so that we do not get charged for our account?" Actually, I edited that a little. There was no punctuation, but I had to add the question mark so that mine would be a complete sentence.

I'm not terribly judgmental, at least no more so than any other quasi-anonymous-aspiring-to-be-a-public-figure-geek-on-the-internet, but I figured that if anyone could completely miss the half a million annoying posts making fun of the people that actually believe that Facebook will start charging for its services unless you post something as a status message, they'll never notice that I unfriended them.

Still, I rarely unfriend someone. Usually, I block their posts from my feed. That's right, I'm a blocker.

“Why,” you ask? Because they do things I find annoying. Here are some of the things that will get you blocked from my feed:
  • All your posts are the same. They're all about politics or religion or your band or whatever. Every. Single. One. It's annoying, and I don't want to see it.
  • You edit people's comments and wall posts because you don't like what they wrote. Guess what? If you hate what they say so much, you should unfriend them. Actually, when someone does this to something *I* wrote/posted/commented on in their feed, I'll message them about it. If they didn't have a compelling reason, I'll generally unfriend them. Friends don't censor friends unnecessarily. (What is necessary censorship? When your friends delete a post that violates the TOS or that would get you in trouble. Or keep you from drunk-dialing your ex. Or drunk posting on his/her wall at 3 am. Those are compelling reasons.)
  • You post a LOT of video links to YouTube. In a row. For no fucking reason. I don't care how much that Boyz 2 Men video 'takes you back,” or how the only way you can express the existential angst you feel resulting from your current change in relationship status is by posting every sad song you can think of over and over. You just got blocked.
  • You continually repost things that only a gullible ass would take at face value. These things were the very reason that was created. I don't care about that touching anecdote that reinforces your political position/religious belief/particular mindset. It's a lie. Someone made it up. You know why it's a Facebook post or an email forward in story form? Because it wasn't on the news. That's why there's no link, because there are no “facts” to back it up. Which means that using it as evidence to support a position borders on self-delusion.
  • You clicked on the “OMG!! You will never believe this!!!” video post that was a trojan and now it's posting that shit on your wall and my wall and trying to get me to click on the “OMG!! You will never believe this!!!” video. Come to think of it, you should never click on any link containing multiple punctuation marks in the title. Or on anything that is obviously emotion-bait or seemingly pornographic. At least not on Facebook... Let that shit spam on my wall once and I'll message you. Twice, and you're blocked...
  • Posting vague messages that are intended to publicly scorn or scold someone without mentioning them by name. Any post that contains the words, “you know who you are” falls into this category. Also, pity-seeking posts or any posts written to be purposefully vague (read: attention seeking) will probably get you blocked.

There are other things that get you blocked from my feed or deleted from my friends list: hate speech (the real kind, not just someone ranting about hipsters or bad drivers;) illegal things; perpetual misspellings; using the letters “u,” “r,” “b,” and the numbers 2 and 4 instead of the words “you,” “are,” “be,” “to,” and “for;” and general knee-jerk reactionism, for a start.

I'm probably forgetting a dozen or two. What am I missing?