Every so often, I find myself having some useful bit of information to pass on to future generations. I generally couch this in terms of “advice to my sons,” but it really isn’t just useful for them, it’s useful for everyone. That in mind, I’d like to take this time to talk about something that I know a little about, and that I think will be useful to my sons, some boys and girls, and some men and women. In general, it’s useful for anyone who’s ever wanted to use that guitar they have to pick up women.
First off, make sure it’s a guitar. Yeah, saxophones are sexy. But you can’t sing to a woman while playing a saxophone, and it’s really, really hard to play it softly and quietly. Pianos are sexy, too, but YOU try carrying one around. If there’s one at the party, you have a shot, but that Casio keyboard you got for Christmas when you were 15 just doesn’t hold the sexy/cool factor you want, regardless of how good the song is, or how good YOU are. Seriously, any other instrument is lacking. And don’t try a ukelele. While they might hold the attention of some women, the vast majority of women find ukeleles laughably cute (and as much as Cosmo touts that women find a sense of humor sexy, it’s a lie. Ask your favorite comic—one who doesn’t look like he’d get laid, anyway. Brian Posehn, Patton Oswalt, Louis CK, whoever… Money=aphrodisiac. Good looks=aphrodisiac. Sense of humor=“You’re such a nice guy, and any girl would be lucky to have you. Now excuse me while I go bang the rich guy with the good hair and the abs.”) Drop the jokes, get the guitar.
Second, choose your songs carefully. Find out what bands/artists they like and pick the saddest, most heartbroken songs by those artists you can find. I speak from experience here. And don’t write a woman a song, for fuck’s sake! Writing a song for a woman only works if she already likes you, in which case why are you wasting your time with the guitar? Never write a woman a song unless she’s broken your heart, and then don’t play HER the song. Play it for every other woman you want to date. One good, honest heartbreak song will pull you more action than the entire Journey catalog. And I know, many of you are too young to get the reference. It’s ok. You know what I meant.
Finally, be willing to put the guitar down. There’s a time to be the self-absorbed attention whore, and a time to focus on human interaction. Sure… If you actually listen to a woman and care about what she says and how she feels, you’re automatically putting yourself in the “nice guy” box, and that means you may have to wait while she works out her issues on hard-bodied rich guys in nice cars who treat her like shit. But if you’re just in it for the sex, you’ll still get yours, eventually, and without ever treating her like less than a person. Even if the sexual encounter is horrifically bad, she’ll look on you favorably because you treated her like a human being. And if you’re in it for the relationship, it’s worth the wait. She’ll appreciate you more.
At least, that’s what Cosmo says.