The Argument Against Superpowers

I'm an admitted comic-book loving geek, and I don't think there's a geek out there who hasn't daydreamed about what it would be like to have superpowers, myself included. But you know what? I'm glad we don't have superpowers, and I think there are several good reasons why we don't. Just think about a world where superpowers exist... There'd be no guarantee as to the caliber of the person receiving the powers or to the ways in which they would utilize them.

Let's ignore, for the moment, the thought that said people would be immediately detained and militarized by the government. Let's just imagine what would happen if 'average' Americans had superpowers. The ones who watch 'Dancing With The Stars' and kept 'Home Improvement' on the air. The ones whose opinions can actually be swayed by 30 second political attack ads.

If these people could fly, you know there'd be rednecks out there mooning 747s as they passed by. Or worse yet, think of all the fly-by "bombings" that would happen at random to cars on the freeway, people on the sidewalk, etc... This brings a whole new level to the "burning bag on the porch" prank.

And how safe would you really feel if someone were really invisible? Think about how much porn guys jerk off to on the internet, and how no locker room would feel safe ever again. And you know some sick f*ck would be sitting invisible on a public toilet, just waiting for the next customer...

What about the power to stretch like Mr. Fantastic or Plastic Man? They're only going into one of two fields: professional sports or the porn industry. Either way, it just  creates countless new ways to make ordinary men feel inadequate.

Being the Human Torch might be pretty cool. You could freak people out by walking out of a building all on fire, screaming like you're burning to death. But you just know that every day someone's gonna ask you to warm up their coffee or something, and then take offense when you don't. "Oh, I see. Mr Superpowers and all won't do ONE simple thing to help a brother out..." And while camping, you'd be surrounded by hot dogs and marshmallows. "Hey! Its S'More Man! C'mon S'more Man, toast my s'more!" Just one big pain in the ass after another...

And what about being bulletproof? Sure, it'd  be cool to have bullets bounce off and not feel anything, but how would this affect your love life? I mean... I used a desensitizing condom once (you know, Climax control) and all it did was make me numb. What good is being able to go forever in bed if you cant enjoy it? You'd be "Dildo Man: World's Most Powerful Eunuch." Bulletproof: cool. Feeling proof? No, thanks.

Mind Control? Don't get me started. Commercials are bad enough. If you have kids, you know what I mean. Just ask 'em what they want for their birthday or Christmas. Guaranteed it'll be whatever's on TV at the moment. Now imagine someone else having that much control over everyone...

Telepathy? The ability to read peoples' thoughts? You know, I saw that movie, What Women Want (don't judge me,) and I don't believe it accurately portrayed a man with the ability to read womens' minds. I could be wrong, but I think being in a woman's head would be closer to watching Lifetime, Gloria Steinem, and softcore porn simultaneously while reading three magazines at once, drinking amphetamine flavored coffee, snorting cocaine, and alternating between feeling bloated, depressed, opressed, anxious, held back, angry, nurturing, sexy, and not-so-fresh at warp speed. Like one big self-image and personal identity carousel. And I'm in the head of a man all the time. I'd rather not see what lurks in the others. This one is bad enough...

What if you could stop time, but still move around while everything else is frozen? You just know some perv would freeze time and try to have sex with someone... But even if YOU'RE the perv stopping time, that would have inherent difficulties of its own. How do you lubricate? The KY wouldn't come out of the tube, 'cause time is STOPPED. It'd be like rubbing against department store mannequins... Not as fulfilling at it may seem. Not like I'm speaking from experience or anything, though...

And all you pierced people: Just think of the fun it would be if some asshole had total control of magnetism... Oh, that tongue ring was such a good idea NOW, huh?

Or X-Ray vision? Sure, you could figure out which scratch-off ticket was a winner. But what if you couldn't turn it off? "Oh God! Grandma! NOOOOO! And Grandpa...! I thought you'd be circumcised... Huh..." Not a pretty picture.

No. Frankly, I'm glad we don't have superpowers...